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I've tried on three separate occasions to have sex with my boyfriend and I just can't do it. I mean physically -- emotionally I'm ready, and we truly love each other. But we can't get his penis to enter me. I'm a virgin and he's scared to push any harder for fear that he might seriously hurt me. Frankly, I'm afraid of that too. I'm not sure what to do!
Answer:
It can happen to young women when they first attempt intercourse, and it can also happen to others years later. If you're having difficulty with intercourse -- in permitting insertion of your partner's penis -- you may be experiencing a condition called vaginismus.
Vaginismus is when a woman's vaginal muscles (particularly those closest to the outside of her body) contract in anticipation of intercourse or insertion of nearly any kind. It is a psychological response (fear or anxiety) that leads to a physical response (muscle contraction). Most women learn they have vaginismus during their teens or 20s, though it is possible to develop it later in life in response to upsetting life experiences.
But difficulty with insertion isn't always vaginismus. It's important to get a thorough physical checkup as a woman may be experiencing pain due to a bona fide physical problem, such as endometriosis. Flinching in anticipation of real pain is a normal reaction. Before accepting a diagnosis of vaginismus, get evaluated by someone who really understands the causes of pelvic pain such as a gynecologist, urologist, or some other specialist.
Sorting Between the Possibilities
Here are some questions that may help you sort through the possibilities and help you decide what path to take:
When trying to permit insertion of your partner's penis, does it feel like your body doesn't even have a vaginal opening? That he's pressing against body parts that are solid?
Can you comfortably have a pelvic exam?
Can you use a tampon?
Can you insert your own finger inside your vagina?
If the answer to all of these questions is "yes," you probably have a vaginismus response to intercourse only.
If you answered "yes" to question 1 and "no" to the others, you may have a generalized fear of vaginal insertion. Both of these concerns can be resolved in therapy.
In either of these situations, I recommend a combination of individual and couples therapy with a therapist who has prior experience treating women with vaginismus and painful intercourse. The treatment should include both psychological and behavioral approaches.
Some women have found it helpful to read a book on the subject of vaginismus such as When a Woman's Body Says No to Sex by Linda Valins or Private Pain: Understanding Vaginismus and Dyspareunia by Ditza Katz and Ross Lynn Tabisel.
If your answer to question 1 was "no" and "yes" to the rest, then you probably don't have vaginismus. Do either you or your sexual partner have the impression that intercourse will be painful? This mindset can make insertion a little more difficult.
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